Lesson #43: Don’t say sorry, say thank you
A ‘sorry’ habit
Saying sorry — taking responsibility for ourself and our actions, is a noble and admirable trait. BUT .. females in particular often get into a habit of saying sorry when it isn’t necessary. It can be a people-pleasing way of lowering ourself .. a form of self deprecation. At it’s extreme it can become a sense of ‘sorry for existing’ .. like any sort of assertion is something to be sorry for. And, as this Barbie video on the ‘sorry reflex’ explains, this habit, or reflex, can take away from our self confidence.
The impact of ‘Catholic guilt’
The church has some culpability in this ingrained guilt and desire for forgiveness. As a child I went to Catholic schools, and I remember going to ‘confession’ each week and having to think of something to confess. I was a kind, gentle, considerate child, but it was expected I should have something to feel ashamed or sorry for. Perhaps it comes down to the idea of ‘original sin’ — that we are born sinners and that even our existence implies that we have sinned. Or maybe it’s part of the church/patriarchy’s desire to keep us tame and obedient.
A turn-around
A big turn-around for me has been the realisation that when I feel guilt and say sorry, it is really coming from a contracted, self-focused place. An alternative is to take the focus off myself and appreciate the other person — in other words, rather than putting myself down, I can lift the other person up.
The cartoon below by Baopu demonstrates this idea really well. “If you want to say thank you, don’t say sorry”. The examples show how by saying ‘thank you’ we are giving gratitude to the other person, but saying ‘sorry’ we are bringing ourself, as well as the other person, down.
A simple shift
This idea really hit home for me during a season of bushfires in Australia. I live near a rural fire station, and, while the bushfires raged around me, each time I would hear a fire engine going out I would feel weighed down with guilt that they were out fighting the fires and I wasn’t. My guilt wasn’t helping them and it certainly wasn’t helping me. I came to realise that instead of feeling guilt around my not helping, I could feel grateful for the people who were out helping .. a simple shift but a totally different effect.
You deserve to exist
Learning to not feel apologetic for simply existing, and bringing gratitude and appreciation for my existence has been a huge lesson for me. Growing up in a rich and privileged country while some grow up in war zones or famines, it doesn’t help for me to be ashamed of my privilege and to shrink myself in deference to the struggles that others face. My shrinking merely diminished my power. Instead, I can appreciate my gifts and find ways to make the most of them.
Empower yourself
By focusing on appreciation rather than self deprecation, you are being part of expanding rather than shrinking your world. There is so much more power in saying thank you instead of sorry.
I invite you to become more conscious of when you say ‘sorry’ reflexively .. to catch yourself .. and to find something you can appreciate.
Your existence on this earth is a true miracle .. so you might as well make the most of it.
Thank you for existing!
