Lesson #49: Locus of control

Do you see your life as something you create or do you feel your life is at the whims of Fate? Or something in between?

Like a leaf tossed on the sea of life

For most of my life I did not feel like I was in control. I couldn’t make decisions so I would allow ‘fate’ or ‘the universe’ to decide for me. I tended to keep myself separate from people because, around them, I was at the whim of their needs and desires since I had no idea what mine were. I was like a leaf tossed on the sea of life, allowing outside forces to decide what I should do or where I should go.

Looking outside of myself for answers

In some ways this served me. I went on all sorts of adventures (alone) and studied all sorts of things. I was free and curious and in denial about my life not ‘going anywhere’. I trusted ‘the universe’, or my latest inspiration (often a course) to lead the way. I was a perpetual student always looking for answers, always keen to learn and discover. My explorations and studies were mostly internally guided, but when it came to interactions with people, I would automatically shift to responding to them rather than to myself .. I would shift to an ‘external locus of control’.

The sense of control

The idea of Locus of Control was developed in 1956 by Julian Rotter to describe the sense of control people may feel (or not feel) in their life.

A person with an internal locus of control is likely to see their life as under their own control, while a person with an external locus of control is likely to feel powerless to outside forces.

Shedding guilt and ‘finding myself’

My process of moving toward a more internal locus of control brought up a lot of difficult feelings too .. like guilt, doubt and fear .. as well as stirred up deeply etched feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, confusion and a persistent sense that I was ‘being selfish’. It has taken me years of different practices and actions to finally feel more grounded in myself.

There is a quote:

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw

But I would say that in order to create ourself, we need to have an internal locus of control.

The impact of 5 Rhythms dancing

One helpful practice that has helped me to practice staying present and connected with myself around others has been a 5 Rhythms dancing. In these 1.5 hour group dance sessions I’ve been able to practice staying with myself and following spirit without worrying what others may think.

The cost of avoiding responsibility

The big problem with the external locus of control, as I see it, is that, while it can allow us to avoid feeling responsible for our life, it also makes us feel like we are a victim of circumstances. And feeling like a victim — with feelings like hopelessness, helplessness, confusion, overwhelm, resistance — is NOT a good way to feel.

An aikido analogy

Tonight, during aikido class, I was thinking in terms of the locus of control (because I’ve been writing this lesson) and the association felt helpful. For us to operate effectively in aikido we need to stay connected to our ‘centre’. In the past I’ve been able to enjoy receiving techniques because I can stay connected with my partner when techniques are applied. But when I came to me executing a technique I would often become lost and confused. My issue seems to have been in focusing too much in responding to the other person rather than responding to myself.

Finding balance

For me, learning to feel and respond to my own needs and desires has been a process of learning and discovery. Developing a vision to work towards, getting in touch with my feelings, and taking daily actions are some of the ways I have been bolstering my internal desires and beliefs and developing a sense of agency, and control for my life.

We need to stay are of and responsive towards others, but this needs to come from a stable, self aware and self loving place so that we don’t lose ourself in those around us.

How true to you feel you are being to yourself and how much are you swayed by others or by forces outside of you?

Tell me in the comments!

Thanks,

Orly